i still struggle
April 27, 2008 @ 6:55 pm
I’ve struggled with lust for as long as i can remember. I don’t look at porn anymore, but my thoughts are almost impossible to control sometimes. I have a tough time accepting love from my wife, because I hate my thoughts and think if she only knew how much i still struggle she wouldn’t love me.
I lie about stupid stuff
@ 6:55 pm
I lie about things that don’t matter because i’m afraid if i was totally honest, you’d think I’m an idiot or worse. I swear, sometimes I think i’m the same geeky little boy I was in 5th grade trying to get people to like me.
To Thine Own Self Be True
April 15, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
I am writing to confess what I’m sure others can plainly see. Today I admit what I have desperately tried to deny. I have, for so long, found my identity in my ‘darkness’. I have answered the question ‘who am I?’ with ‘I am depressed, I am angry, I am broken.’ From this day forward I will to accept that I may feel worthless or feel depressed or feel angry, but that these feelings will no longer be my identity. I will to lay down this burden of constant depression, defensiveness and irritability. I lay down this burden of trying to control the outcome of every situation, like in a chess game. I feel out of control in the light. I feel out of control in the laughter and joy. Today, I become willing to laugh too loud, wear the wrong thing or be someone who not every one likes. I embrace that I am strong enough to be true to myself.
I have a secret
April 11, 2008 @ 11:20 am
Since being married I haven’t given up surfing the web for porn. And for the longest time I haven’t wanted to. I am so tired of looking for empty external things to make me feel whole. I have had affairs in second life. I hate myself for doing that. I afraid that I might be a sex addict.
Regretful SHAME
April 8, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
I have slept with 33 people, all out of marriage.
@ 12:05 pm
I’m afraid that I disobeyed God when I got married, and I’m afraid He’ll never forgive me and the marriage will never work. I should have said no. I should have waited. And now I don’t know what to do. My relationship with God disappeared when my husband and I started dating. I don’t think divorce is the right thing, and I wonder if we’re miserable because God will never be part of my life again. Where can I go from here? I can’t say this to my husband, and I don’t think God is listening. Will neither relationship ever be right?
Mad
@ 12:05 pm
I’ve been mad at God for 12 years. I lost someone I loved to suicide. As I was going through my darkest hours, I prayed he’d give me just a little comfort (the smallest amount - anything), but he was gone - as though he had checked out of my life.
I don’t know
March 31, 2008 @ 9:24 am
it’s only been 9 months and already I feel like m marriage is desperately failing. we both love each other, but sometimes I wonder how much he really does love me- more accurately, I wonder if he sometimes could ever really be capable of truly giving himself to anybody. lately it’s been nothing but fighting- I try to tell him that I’m not happy and everything will be fine for a few days. then he goes back inside his shell- never reaching out. I try to show him tenderness and affection, sometimes to warm reception, but rarely is it reciprocated. I just want someone to hold me when I am hurt, who will brush the hair off my face and kiss me sweetly just because. I know it is because he was never taught to physically express his love or emotions, but how long do I keep on before he decides to learn it now? I hoped foolishly that these patterns that appeared early in our relationship would be fixed by marriage- that somehow everything would just be right. I knew logically things don’t work that way- but I always had that hope. it’s dwindling now, and I find myself more often curled up in bed or in the bathroom desperately praying that God would lift my pain and carry me through to the next step. why can’t he just reach out? why can’t he just show me the love that he says he feels? why can’t I just be ok with the way things are? when is that wall going to come down? I’m tired of carrying bricks all by myself… I think they are stacking in a dangerous pattern on my side.
stuck
@ 9:24 am
I am stuck in all past relationships, my parents, not completely letting go of old boyfriends, my siblings, my friends, and now my spouse. I cannot relate to anyone in complete truth. there is always some kind of lie I am telling to someone. Why can’t I actually be honest with anyone about what I am really thinking or feeling. I do not run to God for answers I don’t know if I really believe He can or wants to help me. I don’t want to take the time to figure out what is really going on I just want to wake up one day and be able to start new with everyone and not just keep repeating the same cycles of broken communication/relationship.
March 27, 2008 @ 8:18 am
i sometimes wish i could be dead to the world. not really dead though. i want for people to have a funeral for me just so i coud see who cared about me. if all the people who i thought were my friends would come to my funeral and morn my death.
its not that i want to die, i just want to know who cares.
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